What I Tasted In Desire
by btfanboy
Summary: Turning points. The passing of youth, decisions made between heartbeats. Love through the eyes of innocence, passion scorching logic to the ground. Where does one lead and where does the other follow.


**What I've Tasted of Desire**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Pairing: James/Logan**

**Rating: M**

**Warnings: Language Smut**

**Alright here's the thing, this was originally called the First And The Last, and in my mind it's a two-parter, but right now as things stand I can't commit to a two-part story. If I get inspirations and drive I will write the second chapter, if not I hope this was satisfying enough for you. Pay to mind that I am very rusty and my beta is going through some personal stuff so didn't have the time to check this out! Hope you're doing better Newbie! Oh and I am in a very emotional state these days and could use some love, and head bashing love myself a good head bashing. Just hit the review button when you're done! And yes I'm stealing titles from Neil Gaiman again….I'm awful I know…**

They say opposites attract, and to any outsider that so seemed to be the case for the friendship between high school seniors James Diamond and Logan Mitchell, but those who assumed that the young boys were opposites would be making a grave mistake.

Because the student council treasurer and the star quarterback had more things in common that even they themselves thought possible when they started hanging out, around the time James became team captain for the football team and was forced to attend his fair share of student council meetings, he and Logan cliqued almost immediately much to the surprise of them both.

They both loved classic literature; Logan was dumbfounded that James was able to quote Shakespeare and Dickens by heart among others, and yet he still scored a 20% on his English test because he was too lazy to actually study the school material.

Logan despite what people thought of his tastes as a brainiac would rather see a good old action flick than some pretentious European black and white three hour long voiceless drama, so James finally had someone to go to the movies with without having to ask a cheerleader out and pay for absolutely everything.

They were both avid sport fans, especially when it came to hockey, which was the only sport that they actually agreed on a team, but then again watching baseball or basketball together was more fun for them. They booed and snarked and threw pop corn at each other every time a player from the opposing team would score or foul, they didn't even care about the outcome, they mostly cared about pissing each other off.

James would blast the latest pop hit on his car's speakers and Logan's only complaint was that he would sing along and not let him enjoy it, of course James ignored him and kept on singing just to annoy the hell out of him, until Logan had no other choice but to try and upstage him with his own falsettos. It became part of their morning routine when they drove to school together, goofing off in the car having not a care in the world.

So yes, people would be wrong to assume that James and Logan's friendship was based on an old cliche, they would also be wrong to think that the two of them were just friends, because they weren't. For more than half a year now, since the night Logan doused off on James' shoulder while he was driving him home from the gym. James couldn't control the sexual curiosity that was eating him in the inside anymore and without warning he made his move.

Tenderly he leaned over and kissed him on the lips. It was the best wakeup call Logan would ever have, much to James' own surprise Logan reciprocated and the budding friendship ended there.

A relationship took off that autumn night, a relationship they hid from everyone and not just because they didn't want to be labeled freaks and fags but simply because it was too magical and precious to them to share with another living soul.

They were simply happy for a time, but soon they faced a dire problem neither of them expected to run into, a problem that manifested itself every time they were alone and the heat of the moment caught them off guard.

Inside James' old convertible parked away from prying eyes James and Logan shared slow sizzling kisses for what seemed like hours to them.

Logan had climbed on top of him pushing his tongue down his throat leaving him no other choice but to fight back and try to establish some control, fight back and lose because Logan was uncontrollable. His hands would roam under James' shirt and his body would surge on the other boy's nonstop, and James felt suffocated and trapped until he couldn't take it any longer.

"Baby stop…" His voice came out choked, less audible than a murmur, almost inhumanly possible for Logan to hear him, almost, because Logan could hear him, he just chose to ignore him and simply traded James' lips for his muscular neck instead trying to carve his territory, wanting to leave his mark not caring about the repercussions.

"Logan, please stop, I need air, it's too hot in here, I can't breathe properly…"

"That's ok I took a CPR class last summer, let me try some mouth to mouth…"

"Logan please we have to stop, my crouch hurts…"

"Why didn't you say so? I think I can do something about that one too…" Logan went to undo the buttons of James' jean hurriedly and that's when James knew he was taking too far, he had no room for jokes and fake pleas any longer.

"Logan! That's enough! Okay stop it!" He pushed him back without controlling his own strength and Logan fell on the passenger's seat with a thud. And he was not happy about it one bit; he looked at James with eyes full of disappointment, frustration and anger.

"Why James?" He asked the other boy exasperated not waiting for James to compose himself and catch his rattled breath; James tightened his fingers around the driver's wheel and tried desperately to settle down trying to avoid another fight, tired of the never ending repetition of them fighting about the same damn thing over and over again.

"We've talked about this Logie…"

"Don't call me that, I'm your boyfriend not a puppy, and don't give me the same old excuse either."

"It's not an excuse! I just don't think we're ready to have sex yet! Why can't you just respect that?!"

"Not we James! You! You keep stalling, while you torture me merciless while you are at it!"

"I torture you?! How have I ever tortured you?!"

"Oh, come on! Every night for the last month it's the same old gig, you take me for a late drive, we make out, things go heavy and then when my body's practically shaking with excitement you back out!"

"Hey, I'm trying to be romantic here; you're the one who keeps touching me all over the place!"

"Romantic doesn't actually help the situation James! It only makes things worse! You put your arms around me and I feel safe, I feel protected, I feel your breath trailing down my neck and the world starts spinning, I can't keep it in any longer James! It's not fair!"

"I just don't want us to rush things! What do we know about sex anyways genius? Neither of us has any actual experience! We could end up getting hurt!"

"Yeah I thought so too, that's why I actually researched about it James!"

"Research…? Like, what you read a book or something?"

"Yes a book, an article, watched some videos on the internet..."

"Porn doesn't actually make you an expert Logan!"

"I've been fingering myself in preparation James! Is that enough for you?!"

"You… what…?"

"I want you James! I can't make myself clearer!"

"That still doesn't mean we're ready! Why can't you just s accept the fact that I'm just scared?!"

"Of the sex or the commitment that goes with it?! Because I think what terrifies you the most is that if we take it to the next level it'll be real, that it won't be an experiment for you anymore! That you won't be able to go back to normal!"

"Logan I'm not just curious! I want you, I love you! Stop doubting me!"

"Can you blame me? You can say anything you want, but they'll just be words James, it's your actions that speak to me and they say that you don't feel what I feel, not hard enough!"

"God! How can't you be so selfish, so stubborn! Can't you even listen to what I'm saying for once?!"

"No! Not until you are honest with me! Just admit the fact that a part of you still sees this as a phase!"

"So in your eyes we have to fuck for this to be real! Oh, grow up!"

"Fuck!? I DON'T WANT YOU TO FUCK ME I WANT YOU TO MAKE LOVE TO ME BUT YOU CAN'T CAN YOU!? BECAUSE I'M NOTHING TO YOU BUT A WAY TO PASS THE TIME!"

James was fuming and Logan knew he had taken it too far, he reached his hand out to cup his cheek but James pulled away and turned his car keys instead, the car woke and rumbled, slowly he took to the road.

"James, I'm sorry, really…"

"It's all about you isn't it? No room for how I feel in all this?"

"James no! Please I snapped I'm sorry…"

"If I wanted to be yelled at I would have stayed home and waited for my mom to come back from the office you know? She'll find some excuse to take it out on me for the long work hours. Or I could go and live with my dad and his brand new wife…at least Brooke doesn't mean anything she says when she takes her cheap shots…"

"Are you trying to guilt me about your life here James? Because…"

"No I'm trying to say that I am with you because you make me happy Logan, if I wanted complications I knew where to find them."

"Excuses again…" Logan mumbled and turned his head away from him, fixed his sight on the changing scenery outside his window as James hit the speed pedal while mumbling a cuss to himself.

The drive to Logan's home was quick and silent, neither said anything but both looked tired and beaten by the time they got there. James parked his car a few blocks away, usually so they could kiss each other goodnight in hiding, but neither wanted to make the affectionate gesture that night.

"Are you picking me up tomorrow?" Logan broke the silence one foot out of the car, James had a sour face, and his answer came out distant, emotionless.

"Sure. Same as always."

"Yeah I bet. Goodnight!" He banged the car's door and walked away, he didn't even turn to look back when he heard the screech from James' tires as he bolted off.

He went straight home put his best façade on for his unsuspecting parents and joined them for dinner praying they wouldn't notice that he was on the verge of a breakdown.

As soon as he finished toying with his food not able to take a single bite he excused himself with the little white lie that he had to study, which he didn't because he did most of his homework with James during school breaks under a tree away from everybody else, just so they could be close to each other with the excuse that James needed tutoring.

So he sat in front of his computer staring at the empty screen while he tried to deny the little voice in his head that told him to swallow his pride and face the truth, that James was right.

He was acting like a selfish insecure spoiled brat and he risked losing the person that mattered to him the most out of pure stubbornness.

He picked his phone up and threw it right back on his bed almost as fast, because he wondered if James had even tried to see things his way, he probably thought he was just being horny and paranoid. Did he even try to fathom the fears that Logan left unspoken.

That soon they would be off to different colleges, in different cities, with different goals in life. That eventually they would have to tell their parents or their friends, if they had any of those left by that time because both have pushed their share of people back to keep their secret.

Logan simply wanted proof that their love was worth fighting for, that it was real, that it could last. But James had denied him, he always denied him.

He kept tormenting himself for hours, eventually he took a shower in an effort to cool his head but when he stepped out of the tub he came face to face with the worst of his insecurities.

"Maybe I'm just not good enough…" He looked himself in the mirror examining his naked form, and he felt plain, flawed, ugly.

Maybe that was why James didn't want to take the next step with him, maybe he simply didn't find him attractive enough, but if that was true why where they together in the first place. He couldn't think straight anymore. Confused he picked his phone again and held it up against his naked reflection; he snapped a picture and sent it to James with a simple question.

"What's wrong with me Jamie? Please I need to know, what's wrong with me?" He got dressed and after waiting for twenty long minutes for James to answer he finally broke down, he collapsed on his bed buried his face in the pillow and cried himself to sleep.

He woke from his dreamless sleep by the buzzing of his phone, groggy he checked the flashing screen and answered.

"Hello? James?"

"Logan did I wake you?"

"What? James its way past two in the morning, what do you think?"

"I'm sorry; I just need to see you…"

"What do you mean see me? In a few hours we'll be going to school can't this…"

"Screw school! I need to see you now! I'm right outside!"

"Are you insane?!" Logan darted for his window and he saw James in his backyard, looking flushed and pacing up and down like a caged lion.

"James! What are you doing down there?! My neighbors could see you!"

"I don't care! Can you come down here for a second?"

"No! Go away! My parents are right in the next room! I can't sneak out!"

"Do you want me to try and climb a tree or something?! Just come down for a minute Logie!"

"I'm going to kill you Diamond…" Logan snarled and shut the phone off. He creaked his door open and with as much caution as he could muster under the influence of his rage he made his way to the kitchen to see James' figure in the opposite side of the glass of his backdoor.

He set the house alarm off unlocked the door quietly, but the moment he opened it he found himself under attack, James swooped him off his feet and passionately pressed his lips against his own.

"What the fuck are you doing James?!" He managed to gasp angrily when James broke for air, but James had lost all sanity he kept kissing him all over his face.

"Nothing…absolutely nothing's wrong with you…"

"What…is this about the picture?!"

"You're beautiful, you're perfect, hot, and you're mine…please be mine…"

"James…" Embraced they fumbled around the kitchen mouths connected and tongues warring, eventually Logan's back hit the counter and James took the opportunity to pin him there.

"James stop…we can't do this in here…my parents could catch us…"

"I don't care…I want you…I don't care about anything else anymore…just don't be sad…" James lifted Logan's shirt up trailed his tongue down his bared heaving chest, his hardening nipples, and Logan fisted his chestnut hair realizing this wasn't a mad dream, this was happening, it was real and he didn't have the strength or the desire to fight it, he tried to hold on with all his feeble strength.

James kept going down, when Logan felt his mouth touching the bulge building under his sweatpants he tried to swallow down his anguished groans, but before James could caress the skin he suddenly realized they had other options.

He jumped so suddenly off the counter that James fell down the floor with a small audible bang. They both froze in dread while their hearts stopped beating at once.

"Did they hear us?" James managed to whisper, and Logan stretched his ears out for any sign.

"I don't think so, come on let's go." Before James could ask Logan closed and locked the door, put the alarm back on and grabbed his boyfriend by the hand to lead him in the darkness.

He led him to the back of the kitchen, opened the door to the basement and urged James to follow in the abyss, they climbed slowly down the stairs and with each step the wood would screech and with each screech their hearts would implode with fear, but they only let go of each others hands when they reached the basement and Logan flicked the lights on.

"What are we doing down here?"

"I can't take you back to my room you idiot, my parents will hear us, besides there's even a mattress here." Logan pointed in a corner and James smiled awkwardly at the sight.

"Ah, look at that, there is, it's a kind of dirty though…"

"Yeah, it was in the guest room before we remodeled, me and dad were supposed to throw it out. There are some old covers we can use over there." As Logan spread them he noticed James didn't move, he stayed glued on his spot and there was something he recognized in his expression all too well.

"You're having second thoughts about this? You wanna back off?"

"No! Just anxiety, the whole first time jitters you know?"

"I'm nervous too…" Logan took his hand in his own, kissed the back of it and their eyes locked, nothing else mattered to him really just the spark building into a fire behind those hazel eyes, a fire he didn't mind to be consumed by.

"And I didn't exactly prepare for this, I wasn't thinking when I sneaked out of the house, we have like no lube…"

"I am more than willing to try the all natural approach if that's what it takes, you can scissor me all you want..."

"Good because I don't have a condom either…" For that one Logan had no joke, he fell in deep thought for a few slow minutes while James was biting his lower lip and looking down embarrassed, finally he sighed.

"It's our first James I want to feel your skin anyways…"

"You're sure?"

"Yeah I'm sure. I had a shower before bed and I've been using this disinfecting soap, you know with the fingering and everything…I think we're safe, and it's not like I've been with anyone else." Now James was smiling again, drawing Logan close, kissing him teasingly to respark the passion.

"Then what if I'm not good enough and you get all disappointed?"

"James really? I've had my chance to check the merchandise; I've been groping you for months now. I know that we will not be having that problem."

"And what if size doesn't matter? What if it's all in the technique smart ass?"

"That's just bullshit women say…"

"Then thank God I'm dating you…" And with that the foreplay turned wilder, Logan removed James' varsity jacket and threw it across the room, James pushed Logan back on the mattress and this time he didn't hesitate to go for the kill. He slipped his hand inside Logan's pants and stroked him to full size.

Logan wheezed and begun taking their clothes off frantically piece by piece, kissing him violently letting his hands explore his partner's sculpted body, their lips smashed together nonstop and their naked forms collided like they were bulls.

Logan took James' fingers in his mouth and coated them as best he as could, while James marked his neck with his teeth, to leave his sigil on his skin so no other would ever touch him. Once Logan's saliva was dripping down James' long paw like fingers James headed down and spread Logan's legs apart.

Slowly he inserted his index and Logan painfully mewled, but James moved it back and forth wiggling it as he gained ground and asked him to relax. Logan couldn't, the sense was somehow different from when he did it to himself. He gave out hoarse noises of discomfort like desperate pleas for James to stop. But he never actually said stop. He would never say stop. Not after James decided that the fingers weren't enough for him anymore and brought his head down, his tongue sloppily rimming and plunging in Logan and making him gasp for air.

Slow excruciating minutes passed, Logan thought he was going to have a seizure the way he spasmed around. James shifted his own body so Logan could have free access to him as well. He didn't think; once he saw how close he was he took James in his mouth and drowned in the scent of musky sweat and the taste of sultry skin. He bopped his head slowly trying to get accustomed with it, kissed the shaft, swallowed the pre-cum, even when James caught him by surprise and began to rock his hips back and forth Logan didn't gag, instead he slowly became addicted to the taste.

Time came when they stopped playing around, neither could hold the want anymore, James pulled away and without any self-control he flipped Logan on his back and pulled his legs apart by the ankles like a hungry beast. His distorted lustful face made Logan's heart stop, then he felt the new intrusion in his body as James desperately tried to enter him and he felt everything exploding, like the universe was coming down around him at the seams.

"James! Fuck! It hurts!"

"I know…just hold on…please hold on…" But there was no going back, the head was already inside and even though James feared his spine was going to crack into two and Logan's walls were going to crush him he pushed forward slowly gaining ground inch by inch.

Eventually Logan relented, instead of fighting the pain he let go. Because there was a sweet feeling building up behind it, and he desired more of that. More of James He pulled him down and kissed him, wishing to die in his arms and wishing to live forever as they were now, one.

"Logan it feels so good! You feel so damn good…warm…"

"My insides are melting James…God I love you so much! Don't stop…don't ever stop…'"

They moaned in unison thinking they had reached the peak of their pleasure, James had build a rhythm now, a tempo that rose with each slow pound, Logan tried to follow it, his body finally relaxed, every second it felt better, much better than the one that passed, and with each one they both craved for more.

James pulled him upwards, holding him tight in his arms crumbling the world around him as their tongues danced together, Logan's senses were overflowing, his synapses crackled with fire, he saw everything in bizarre colors, each breath had the potential to be his last, but he just didn't care anymore. His life belonged to James now.

"Harder James! Harder!"

"I'm trying…but you're so fucking tight! I don't want to hurt you…"

"Rip me in half James…I'm yours…all yours…"

They kept making love forgetting everything else, the time, the place their age. Eventually it was their own bodies that betrayed them, without warning James came inside of him whining out his name, they collapsed back and he took Logan in his hand, stroking him fast into his own exploding orgasm, licking the spoils on his painted abdominal while Logan begged him for more. He fell on top of him afterwards and kissed him, thanking him the best way he could for this dream, Logan barely registered reality anymore, the only thing he knew was that he was loved.

Even though they had burned out like candles they kept each other close, Logan couldn't stop kissing him and James wrapped his arms around him, feeling life slowing down around them.

"How are you feeling…?"

"Sore, moist and wet in all the wrong places…"

"Logan!"

"I'm sorry, couldn't help myself! Oh, and I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only one watching porn. Those were some moves hot stuff…"

"I was improvising believe me I swear. You think your parents heard us?"

"If they did they would have been here by now and both of us would be dead, not that I would mind, all my dreams came true tonight…"

"Well we're not out of the woods yet, I have to sneak out once I catch my breath…"

"Can't you stay? I want you to stay, spend the night here in my arms…make love to me again…"

"Actually you know what? I don't think Brooke will notice that I'm gone, I didn't take the car and she usually leaves for the office before I wake up…"

"She doesn't check on you? See if you got up for school?"

"No she doesn't have the time for that, she makes a coffee to go and she's out."

"My parents wake up at six we could put the alarm on your cell like an hour earlier and I could go back to my room, have breakfast with them and then come and get you when they leave for work…"

"You think we could pull it off?"

"I don't know, but I want you to stay…maybe we could even skip school tomorrow just snuggle all day long like now…"

"Logan Mitchell skipping class! Wow, and they say sex doesn't really change a person…But you know something? I want to stay too, okay let's try it, consequences be damned!" They kissed tenderly to seal their plan but then Logan's brain connected the dots and he smiled slyly.

"Wait a second, back up here, you walked to my place?"

"After I saw your little dirty picture I actually ran…"

"Nice!"

"You're happy with yourself and that you got what you wanted aren't you Logie?"

"Well yeah, cause now I know, know that you want me hard enough to throw any caution and reason out the window for me…That what we share has a chance…"

"I want you?! Dude I had a heart attack when I opened the pic! But honestly it wasn't really the nudity that made me lose control you know?"

"What was it then?"

"Your eyes, your face…You seemed so lonely and miserable wallowing in self-doubt that I couldn't bear to stay away from you…You were hurting and I…"

"Oh James…my beautiful James…" Logan nuzzled in his new lover's chest, trying to keep a shred of dignity and not shed his happy tears. James kissed his sweaty forehead, took a breath and rested his head there.

"And I think you were right, in a way I was stalling. Didn't know how far I could take this thing with you. I didn't do relationships before us Logan, and I was just so scared that this was too good to be true, that if we had sex I would hurt you and you'd hate me and then I'll lose you…"

"James stop. If somebody has to apologize it's me. I pressured you into this, I'm sorry James, really sorry, I should have respected you…"

"But you were right. I'll never regret this night for the rest of my life whatever happens down the road, I promise. It was everything I wanted and more. You are everything I want and more…"

"James shush, not another word just hold me…"

"I love you baby and I will never let you go…"

"I love you too James...my James…" They didn't sleep that night, they made love once more and gave each other youthful promises that they believed would hold up to eternity and beyond. But youth is fleeting, the only thing they could do really was desperately cling to hope, hope that their love would persevere, that their innocence wouldn't be lost with the cruel passing of the seasons. Because sometimes love conquered all and sometimes it was as bristle as glass. Only time could tell their future, and if their choices would lead them to the continuation of their dream.


End file.
